Children with Special Needs: Sibling Edition

Sibling Support

Throughout my years as a therapist a subject I feel is under talked about especially within the special needs community, is how to parent siblings of children with special needs. As parents, naturally you may have a tendency to focus a large amount of attention onto the child who may require the extra attention. But when you have a child with a delay, the whole family can be affected in different ways, especially siblings. From being a sibling myself, to counseling families over the years, here are some suggestions I’ve compiled to help parents and siblings.

· Sibling support group: If they are an older sibling with the expressive capabilities, this is a great place to start. Granted, these are rare and sometimes harder to find in rural communities but don’t be afraid to start one either! It can be as casual as getting the kids together for play dates that may include conversations centered around certain topics. Or it can even be an online facebook group. Both kids and adults connect with community, it’s always nice to feel like you’re not the only one going through something. Give them a way and place for them to connect with other children in their similar situation. (Remember counseling doesn’t hurt either if your child needs it. They can do it in a fun and playful way that is age appropriate. It gives your child the opportunity and teaches them ways to express their feelings without guilt!)

· Spend one on one quality time with that child. Have a special activity that is between you and your child, such as each week you participate in a certain play group together, or sports activity together. Even as small as everyday we get to take a one on one walk together. Whatever that child wants to do that gives just you and he/she quality time together.

· Allow the other child to have interests. Because children with special needs are typically in a lot of therapies or getting nursing services or providers coming to your families house just for them; it’s great to find an activity that’s specific to your other child. Having a piano teacher come over just for the sibling, or enrolling the sibling in activities just for them. It gives them something to know they are also important and you are involved in that activity too.

· Practice words of affirmation and validating their feelings. Compliments are great to siblings as it lets them know they are being noticed, and loved. Have conversations that ask them how they feel about their sibling, and allow a space for them to be honest. If they reply with “sometimes I get embarrassed,” validate their feelings by saying you understand and maybe you have felt that way at times too and it’s a normal feeling to experience. Practice not shaming them for having emotions that may not always be positive.

It’s a complex dynamic when parenting children with different needs and development. And unfortunately there isn’t a handbook! But I hope you find some of these suggestions useful!

Four Red Flags: Autism Edition

*Find the full video on my youtube, link at the bottom.

As a developmental therapist and evaluator, I am quite knowledgeable in assessing kids who are on the spectrum. Truth be told, I can typically spend less than half an hour with a child and determine if they are showing red flags. This isn’t always the case, and sometimes I need longer and multiple sessions, but overall I can spot very distinct things out that I consider red flags. Things that at least notify me we should further investigate. When I assess kids to determine what’s going on, whether it’s a speech delay, spectrum behaviors, or global delays, parents always ask me some of the same questions. How do you know if my child’s on the spectrum?

I compiled a list of four key buzz statements and/or red flags that I typically see early on with kids on the spectrum.

• Speech regression: While asking parents what their child’s speech is like, it’s a red flag when parents say “well he/she was saying a few words and then all of a sudden stopped. No imitation, no trying, no speech.” Regression in speech is considered a sign of autism, again not all the time, but it is something to make note of. Speech is usually a very important milestone for kids and that’s one of the first delays we notice.

• Spinning of wheels: When I assess a child I will always give them toys to play with to see if they are playing appropriately with that toy. Are they rolling the car or truck, or flipping it over and spinning the wheels? Are they more interested in spinning objects, ceiling fans for example? Spinning of wheels, fidget spinners, and being over interested in the wheels rather than rolling and playing with cars are red flags.

• Picky eating: This can be quite confusing for parents. Are most kids picky, sure. But a large percentage of kids on the spectrum display picky eating in relation to a sensory delay. I like to say it goes beyond just not liking your veggies. It’s kids who only eat crunchy things like goldfish and crackers. It’s kids who refuse to drink from other sip cups and bottles, only liking one type of nipple. It’s kids who have a hard time transitioning off of milk from a bottle. Kids who prefer pureed foods over texture foods. There are all sorts of picky eaters, and they vary. But when parents tell me their two year old is still drinking milk from a bottle because he/she refused to drink from anything else, or that they present a large amount of foods and they still only eat the exact same thing everyday. It raises red flags.

• Head banging/aggressive behaviors: Head banging raises awareness for anyone. It’s quite alarming when children do it repeatedly. When parents report their child head banging or being very aggressive with other children, especially siblings, it raises alarm, as it should for any parent. Is being aggressive with siblings typical, slightly. But is breaking tables, head banging, and throwing objects, not so much. Therefore when a child is under three showing this much aggression and head banging tendencies I do red flag it. Head banging can be a variety of reasons not just out of anger, sometimes sensory seeking as well. Regardless it’s scary!

I want to be clear though that just because your child exhibits picky eating, does not mean they have autism. If one of these statements are made to me or I observe this it’s not as alarming. But when all of these are presented, that is where the concern lies. If you are concerned that your child is showing red flags please speak to your pediatrician. There is help! If you ever have any questions feel free to ask. I hope this article helps in some way.

If you’d prefer to hear me explain, please watch the video on my youtube at Early Intervention Therapy Services. Don’t forget to subscribe!

Traveling with a Special Needs Kiddo: Airplane Edition

Airplanes: Let's just start with the most difficult. If you have to travel somewhere by plane get your bags packed and your sanity ready. Traveling is stressful in itself. Add having a kiddo with special needs, and it will have you asking the flight attendant for xanax with some wine to chase it with. Here are some tips to help you when traveling with a kiddo with special needs. 

• First, call ahead and make arrangements (that's sort of a no brainer). Let them know ahead of time you will be traveling with a child that will require a shuttle to and from connecting flights. Even when booking a ticket online, you can go ahead and notify them you will need special assistance. 
• Get there early. If you were traveling solo, add double to that time. 
• When you check in, don't be afraid to ask for assistance. Ask for an extra set of hands, as you may have carseats, wheelchairs, and diaper bags, not to even include your own set of stuff. Set it up ahead of time, then remind them once you check in you need the assistance. This is something I encourage...don't be afraid to ask for help!! Trust me I know you guys are super parents. You think you can do it all and you can. But you don't have to. Take the help when it's there. They will usually let you board the plane ahead of time, take advantage or don't. If you know it's a long flight and you want to spend as little time as possible in the seat, board last (and let the flight attendant know). If you like to go ahead and get settled, take advantage of boarding first.
• Be conscious of when booking flights that have connecting flights. Although getting there sooner would be ideal, booking connecting flights within a small window will definitely test your sanity as well as your fitness. It's difficult to book it across a crowded airport when you have a kiddo in tow. My recommendation is take the longer layover, have to time grab dinner and hangout while leisurely making it to your connections.
• My biggest advice when traveling in airports is this. Screw what other people think. Don't overwhelm or frustrate yourself just because others are impatient or intolerant. If your kiddo has a meltdown, let them. If the wheel on the wheelchair gets jammed and people have to wait behind you, let them. Don't get flustered or turn red faced just because other people are pressuring you. Take some deep breaths (and bring mini bottles in your purse).
• Having another travel partner will help you in this. Whether it's your husband, parent, or friend, if you are lucky enough to con a travel buddy into it with you I promise it will make for a better time. If you have to do it solo, I trust that you can.
• Bring a new goodie bag for your kiddo, a backpack or purse with new toys and treats in it. Yes it's bribery ok. So what. It may ease a little anxiety they are having about traveling and gives them something to be excited about once they get on the plane. It doesn't have to be an expensive toy but something new that could keep them occupied. 
• Practice beforehand and start talking to them about the trip. If you are a parent of a kiddo with autism this is key. Doing the whole surprise we're going to visit grandma on an airplane the day of isn't the best approach for some kids (you know what type of kid you have and what will work). Go ahead and start prepping them with talking about it, reading social stories about it, and even researching airplanes and videos and such. 
• Earphones and Ipads are a great source. I get this question often from parents. "But what about minimizing the use of electronics Nicole?" I am not that therapist and I am not going to advise you for this purpose to take away electronics. Use what you can and what will work. If your kiddo likes certain technologies such as the iPad and youtube, well we may use this during this time. Not saying it has to be the first resort, but if you can sense they aren't going to make it through the flight why not cave a little to make it bearable for you and your kiddo. Just my two cents. 
• Use comfort items. Bring every comfort item they may need. Biggest question I get on this is "what about pacifiers?" Well if you currently aren't weaning, then definitely bring the paci along. If they have been off of the paci for a while then no need to resurface it. I wouldn't  recommend using this opportunity to cut the paci just yet though. 

I had a parent I worked with who had to travel to Italy where her husband currently was at. Her son had autism and she knew she was in for a long flight with a toddler, that was nonverbal, extremely active....and that had autism. When she got back she told me all about the misery of the flights, and we laughed and laughed. She knew it was going to be tough, but it was quite painful! He cried the entire 12 hour flight, had diahrrea, wouldn't eat, played with other peoples stuff, and ran the aisles. She was THAT parent and people hated her. And she didn't care. And you shouldn't either. 

I believe in you. You got this. Happy Flying. 

And don't forget to send me your favorite tips for flying with a special needs kiddo. 

Summer Tips: Things to do with your child (with special needs)

The summer can be challenging especially when you have a child with special needs. They are out of school full time, you may not have lots of help, and you may not be able to find a camp that fits their special needs. Just another reality of having a child with special needs. Summer's are different. But we aren't going to sulk about it. Ok yes we are. But now summer is actually here so the pity party is over and now we're going to have a fun summer! Here are a few recommendations I've made but I urge you veteran parents to please give me your ideas so I can spread the word! Help some other parents out! 

• Movies: Typically you can find free movies throughout the summer in your hometown, during the day. Even in my rural small town, the local theatre played free kids movies during the summer. What do I love about this? One, they are free. Two, they are wheelchair friendly. Three, if you're kiddo has sensory difficulties with loud noises, this is a great place to test it out. It's usually not packed because they play older movies, and if your kiddo is struggling you can leave without wasting money. Four, it's air conditioned. So have your self a nice little movie date with your kiddo.
• Library: The local libraries usually offer a kid friendly time during the day. Some of the more modern libraries are offering a sensory play time for kids who have difficulties with this as well. Again, its free, wheelchair friendly, and sensory friendly. Great place to check out with your kiddo just to break up the monotony of the day. I like to pick a book a week to read to the kids but also gives you the opportunity to try more out of the house experiences (for free). Catch my drift. I like free stuff. 
• Pool. This can be a challenge, for kids who don't deal well with crowds and for kids who have physical struggles. Find a local pool and explain you have a kiddo with special needs. Ask them the least crowded pool times (typically when they are first opening). Ask if they have handicap accessible equipment. If they don't, complain. Ok I'm kidding (sort of). But it is modern day people. If they don't, it's something worth mentioning to a manager to find out how to change this. I digress. Pool's are cheap, and another way to get out of the house, change up the routine, and work on some things that may be difficult for your child. 
• Camps. Depending on your location you can find some great day camps for kids with special needs. Some I recommend are water camps, surfing camps, dolphin camp, and horseback riding camps. In fact that's something I've been proud of the progress over the years in this community. If you are local to San Diego my personal favorite is Camp Abel, in which I volunteered years ago. Its very unique, and almost each child that was in a wheelchair had the accessibility to get into a water wheelchair and get into a sailboat and go sailing, kayaking and even the ocean. There are numerous surf camps and dolphin camps especially designed for kids with autism. We have come a long way for camps but it depends on your location. Even when I worked in rural Georgia these camps were becoming more popular. I'd encourage you to look into it in your home town. If they are out of your budget, email the director and try to work out something. Trust me, they have hearts in this business. If not, do a fundraiser. 
• Make your own camp. Invite friends over and engage in some water balloon fights, sensory bins, crafts. Get creative. Guess what I love about this one. You guessed it. It's FREE! Well aside from hitting up the dollar store for all your arts and craft activities. 
• Music classes. Summer offers some great music classes. Regardless of what your child's special needs are music is a great therapy. They can sit and listen, or be an active participant. Again for kids with sensory concerns this could be a great way to work on it, with limited people. Ask the instructor when the best time for your child to come would be. Music is a great therapy tool for some kids. Summer is a great time to check out a class. If that feels overwhelming still, hire a personal music instructor (if your budget allows of course). 
• Parks/ Picnic in the park. Parks are becoming more wheelchair accessible and special needs friendly (although not all). And even this isn't just a summer activity, it breaks up the day. Plan a picnic at the park, bring some ice cream, and have a little extra fun with it. Make a day of it. When I lived in Savannah, I utilized all those fun historic parks. 
• Them Parks. If you're planning day places, zoo's and theme parks make for great day activities. I'll post more later about how to get deals at parks and have them make accommodations for your kiddos. Stay tuned for that one! 

These are just a few summer suggestions for your kiddos. I know summers can be dawning and stressful for parents in general but then add special needs and you're racking your brain of how to keep them entertained. I'd love it if parents could add to this list too. Send me your suggestions! 

And Happy Summer! It's going to be a hot one!